Motivate

We as parents want to inspire and influence our kids.  We instinctively want them to be the best Them that they can be.  We might have some ideas of what we want them to do, and how we want them to do it.  But, in the end, this will ultimately get in the way of their self-motivation. 

So, how do we inspire our kids to motivate themselves?

 President Uchtdorf told a story about how he was motivated to make a change:
After the turmoil of the Second World War, my family ended up in Russian-occupied East Germany. When I attended fourth grade, I had to learn Russian as my first foreign language in school. I found this quite difficult because of the Cyrillic alphabet, but as time went on I seemed to do all right.When I turned 11, we had to leave East Germany overnight because of the political orientation of my father. Now I was going to school in West Germany, which was American-occupied at that time. There in school all children were required to learn English. To learn Russian had been difficult, but English was impossible for me. I thought my mouth was not made for speaking English. My teachers struggled. My parents suffered. And I knew English was definitely not my language.But then something changed in my young life. Almost daily I rode my bicycle to the airport and watched airplanes take off and land. I read, studied, and learned everything I could find about aviation. It was my greatest desire to become a pilot. I could already picture myself in the cockpit of an airliner or in a military fighter plane. I felt deep in my heart that this was my thing!Then I learned that to become a pilot I needed to speak English. Overnight, to the total surprise of everybody, it appeared as if my mouth had changed. I was able to learn English. It still took a lot of work, persistence, and patience, but I was able to learn English!Why? Because of a righteous and strong motive!

https://www.lds.org/study/friend/2008/08/the-most-powerful-motivating-force?lang=eng

President Uchtdorf saw a desire to learn about something he enjoyed.  And he learned as much as he could about it.  Then, to take the next step in becoming who he wanted to be, he learned even more!  This is a case of self-motivating!

I think a great way to start motivating others to be motivated is to be an example of doing something that inspires you.  You want to learn a new hobby, lose some weight, read your scriptures every day, learn how to yodel?...then do it!  Your children will see you aspiring to do bigger and better things, and they will want to follow suit, and do the same.  And even better, you can show them how (or how NOT to) accomplish your dreams, goals, and aspirations. They may even ask you for your advice!!!

Let your children try, and let them fail.

This is so hard to do.  Watching your child fail can make you feel angry, scared, helpless, or downright sad.  But, this is where you child can find opportunity to learn an important lesson.  They can learn what the natural consequences are to their actions, and can learn from them in positive ways.  They can learn total responsibility for their decisions.  If they get a failing grade, they can gauge how they are doing, and how to fix the problem responsibly.  They can also learn coping skills in how their actions and decisions make them feel, and possibly those around them as well.  

All of this doesn't mean to take on the permissive parent role, or just letting them go do whatever they want.  It just means that they can make their own choices where it is applicable.  You can also let them know that you are aware of the decision that they have made, and let them know they are responsible for that decision. 

Incentives        IF-THEN

I am a believer in incentives.  Incentives are different than bribes.  Incentives happen before a behavior or event, and it involves an agreement.  An example of this would be: If you do your homework, you can watch TV after dinner.  Or:  If you are quiet and stay close while we are in the library, we can go get an ice cream afterwards.  

A bribe is something that happens in the middle of a situation in order to make something stop.  

While bribes teach children that they can misbehave in order to get what they want, incentives teach reaching a goal, and being rewarded for their effort.  

I asked my kids what motivates them when they need to do something hard.  My 10-year-old responded with, "Prizes!"  Whether we are a child, or an adult, we all like to be rewarded for our efforts, whether they are successful or not.  

Praise

Who isn't affected by praise?  The answer is no one.  We all react to praise. 

How should we praise?

Praise the effort, the skill, the persistence, or the thought involved in the act.

Use sincere and direct comments, and show your interest in their process. 

Keep focused, and be honest with the efforts, and the outcomes.

Kids will start realizing their strengths, and then they will have a higher self-worth, and faith in their own abilities.  

How many times have you heard someone say, "They have so much potential!"  

Realizing in our own potential can help us reach our dreams! 

Nurture

You'll have to bear with me, because I absolutely love quotes and cartoons!  Growing up, they covered my walls and doors.  I know I use them a lot, but they serve a great purpose in my learning and living the gospel better.

Yep, parenting is hard.  Some days, you feel like you have angels, and some days, little gremlins(and I'm so afraid of gremlins...shhh).

Parenting can be an absolute grind.  It can be all that we thought it WASN'T and more.

But I CANNOT deny that being a mother has taught me so much about myself, my divine nature, and Heavenly Father's plan for His children.

In 2005, President Hinckley presented “The Family: A Proclamation to the World.”

In the proclamation, it states, “By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.”

This is a wonderful thing to talk about, nurturing.  When I think of nurturing, I think of love, of kindness...  there's even a great scripture for it: “By persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness” (D&C 121:41–42). 

How does nurturing feel?  What does nurturing look like?  How does nurturing sound?

How Nurturing Feels

I think that nurturing feels like belonging to a family, feeling visible to those you know that care for you, being comfortable in your surroundings.

I feel like some of the best nurturing feelings come when I pray with each of my kids individually at night.  After we pray, they look at me differently; maybe with a little bit more gratitude and love?  It's a good feeling, one of mutual love and respect for one another.

We can feel nurturing in our families when we spend time together, whether it is in family home evening, scripture study, family prayer, or activities we plan together.  As long as it is a good SOMETHING that we are doing together as a family, we are being nurtured.  

I often feel during vacations like family reunions, spring break, or camping, that I need a vacation from my vacation.  It takes so much time, planning, packing, preparing meals, getting all different kinds of clothes packed, etc.  And then there's cleaning the car out, unpacking, tired and cranky kids(and husband), and loads and loads of laundry upon arrival back at home.  It is hard to remember that although it's hard to do things together sometimes, that I need to feel thankful that we are together, connecting, making memories.

How Nurturing Sounds  

Nurturing in my home sounds like laughter watching funny shows together or playing games, it can be the words of a prayer being spoken for a loved one, and it can even be the sound of silence.  I don't think that I'm the only one that thinks that people don't listen enough to others in these latter-days.  If we were to ask more questions of others, and then just listen, the silence of our mouths can be the nurturing sounds that we just might learn the most from.

How Nurturing Looks 

Nurturing can look like a soft touch, a congratulatory high-five, and even a gentle reprimand.  

A couple of weeks ago, I took my daughter to the mall to look around for some sneakers.  While we were there, there was a mother with two very energetic young children.  They laughed and poked at each other, and the mother would turn and start yelling, "Will you stop it!  I hate taking you 2 anywhere with me! All you do is make me mad, and I don't get to look at anything!  Stand there and shut up!"  This is the cleaned up, non-expletive version of her exclamations.  We were shocked, appalled, and saddened at the treatment of these children.  How did this make those children feel?  How will these children grow up thinking parenting should be like?  This is NOT how nurturing looks.

I'm not the greatest example.  We've tried the, "Go to your room and don't come out until you are ready to apologize!" approach.  It doesn't have the best results.  But, I do think that I have been learning a more gentle approach.  I am still learning how each of my children learns best.  But for my youngest daughter, it is on my knees, at her level, gently holding her hands, speaking softly, explaining how she has been amazing that day, or how we can improve on the current situation. 

Even though my nurturing doesn't always turn out the greatest results, I still have to give myself a pat on the back for trying.  We all need a little encouragement right?  That's why this next picture is all I need to remember sometimes.   

RIGHT?!?

In an amazing Ensign article in April 2006, entitled, "The Joy of Nurturing Children", there are some great tidbits that I just had to share!

1. "No matter what your situation, you can find joy in nurturing children".

2. Good memories often include nurture from someone.

3. "Teaching moments can become memories at unexpected times."

4.  We may not remember every lesson we've ever taught during Family Home Evening,  and your children definitely will not.  But truths will be taught by the spirit, and testimonies will be strengthened.  Even Alma the Younger remembered the teachings from home, likely during a book of mormon times family home evening, that "he also remembered the words of his father “concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world” (Alma 36:17)."

https://www.lds.org/study/ensign/2008/04/the-joy-of-nurturing-children?lang=eng

“The spiritual rewards of motherhood are available to all women. Nurturing the young, comforting the frightened, protecting the vulnerable, teaching and giving encouragement need not—and should not—be limited to our own children.”

Elder Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, “Lessons from Eve,” Ensign, Nov. 1987, 87–88.

Guide

When I hear the word "Guide" in reference to parenting, I always think of the song "I Am A Child of God".
In the chorus of the song, the words say:
Lead me, Guide me, Walk beside me,
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do,
To live with Him someday.

Guiding seems to me to be a word of softness, a word of love.  It includes establishing boundaries or limits according to behavior.  Guiding encourages children to make well-thought, independent decisions. This can be tricky, and it's a very delicate balance.
As parents, guidelines are set, and consequences defined.  When kids are young, it's easy to make the decisions for them, like getting dressed, or where you are going to go that day.
When they are a little older, getting dressed becomes...

and we learn to give kids a little bit of cushion on what they can wear.

           

Teenage years can go like this... 

  

The guideline is given, they know what's expected, but they are free to make their own decision.

Not all decisions children make will be bad decisions, and bad consequences.  

Just this past week, my daughter shared an experience.  She was at a cousin's house playing, and they started arguing.  They are both 6, so arguing between these two isn't a new thing really.  

After she came home, my daughter told me, "We started arguing, and so I decided to tell her 'hey, can we not argue and figure this out?'"  Her cousin agreed to not argue anymore, and they did something else and had a good play date.  

Not just our kid's choices go into parenting.  Our choices and how we react are also important.  

We can be the type of parent that demands obedience(authoritarian), a parent that lets kids do whatever they please with no guidance(permissive), or a parent with structure and limit setting(authoritative). 

In an ideal situation, it would be great if both parents were the same authoritative style.  Most people end up being parents like their parents were, and some people do lots of research on what kind of parents they want to be.   Parents can be different types of parents, but is the most healthy if both are united in the end and parent together.  

My husband and I are two different types of parenting styles.  He is more of the authoritarian, and I am more of the authoritative.  It can be a tough balance sometimes, especially in the face of a major and immediate dilemma.  I believe that people have the ability to change what type of parents they are, but I will tell you right now that it's a super hard thing to do.  I think that I have always been an authoritative parent, but I had some missteps along the way for sure.  I definitely didn't know how to be a great parent when I became a mother, but I think that process will be a life-long one and maybe...probably, even after we die and learn much more in the spirit world.

A few months back, a woman in Relief Society commented, and my thoughts on parents changed dramatically.  She told us that when things are difficult in parenting, and when there are hard decisions to make, she is open with her kids in the stresses of parenting.  She tells them, "I'm not perfect.  This is my first time being a parent, and this is my first time I've had this experience. Let's figure this out together."  I feel like if we are honest with our kids and the parenting experience, they will be more open and more honest with us. 

I absolutely LOVE this video, and I hope that you do too.  It sure shows how we as parents really don't know everything, but that's okay.  

Julia Sweeney  has "the talk" with her daughter:

  

https://youtu.be/Ysxz5Ug70G0

I hope that you got a good laugh in.  I love the innocence of kids! And really, if you can't laugh at yourself and the things you go through, life is just going to be harder. Beautiful Marjorie Pay Hinckley said this:

The cartoon after Julia Sweeney is amazing.  I may use it later on for a Family Home Evening lesson with a different topic in mind, because I think it can be used for a few different topics.  But, I feel like we don't even know when people are watching what we do.  We say things and do things that other people take notice of, and they may learn from what we do.  Seeing a parent act verbally abusive towards their child might make you talk to your child a little bit kinder that day.  Or watching as someone mourns the loss of their child might make you realize the blessing of being able to hug your child a little bit longer than usual.

Discipline

As mentioned above, guiding includes showing children that there is a right way and a wrong way, and that there are consequences for each.  Boundaries and limits are set, and agency permitted.  

Can children be disciplined differently within the same family?

The answer is YES!  Children are each unique, and have different strengths and weaknesses.  Age is also a factor in how they need to be disciplined.  

There are 4 useful areas that Laurence Steinberg teaches in his book, 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting, that can be used in order to avoid harsh punishments.  

1. Never use physical punishment.
2. Don't be verbally abusive.
3. Controlling your anger.
4. The right way to punish.

             Steinberg also includes a suggested way to punish the right way:

Effective punishment needs to include five elements, usually in the-following order:

 • An identification of the specific act that was wrong.

 • A statement describing the impact of the misbehavior.

 • A suggestion for one or more alternatives to the undesirable behavior.

 • A clear statement of what the punishment is going to be.

 • A statement of your expectation that your child will do better the next time.

(Steinberg, Laurence, 2005,  10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting)

My husband and I tried these elements during a few problems our kids had over a one week period.  It was an overall good experience.

Going over identifying, describing impact, suggesting alternatives, clear punishment, and future expectations, pretty much forced us to use a different tone with our kids.  We were able to keep our voices at a milder level than normal, and the kids felt that they were heard better and that things ended up being much fairer in their opinions and ours.  

Once Upon a Time, Parenting Was...

Once upon a time, there was a girl.  She had a dream to one day get married, have a bunch of kids, and live happily ever after!  That's how life is supposed to go right?

Lots of people believe in this beautiful Cinderella-like dream that getting married is the ultimate problem to address in life, and then everything will roll peacefully down hill in a soothing trancelike state.

Well, this picture sums it all up...

This sums up parenthood, motherhood, and life in general.  We were not perfect people put on this earth to have a perfect experience.  Life is messy, hard, and complicated in so many ways.

And you know what, that's OKAY!

So now you are a parent...

It's exciting, it's scary, and it can be the best experience you ever have during this Earthly life. 

There are some fantastic skills that a parent can have in their parenting toolbox.

The National Extension Parent Education Model (NEPEM).

https://www.k-state.edu/wwparent/nepem/

 There are seven focus categories in the model:

1. Care for Self
2. Understand
3. Guide
4. Nurture
5. Motivate
6. Develop
7. Advocate

There are 3 categories that have really helped me want to be a better mother:

Guide, Nurture, and Motivate.  

In my next 3 blog posts, I will go over these 3 wonderful topics in an effort to teach myself a little better, and also to help you realize a little bit more the potential we as parents can have on children.